It’s February. Which means we’re bombarded with Valentine’s Day content and the pressure to be romantic with our partners. But to many, sex after kids is nigh on impossible. What does intimacy look like when you’ve just had a baby? How does one feel romantic when you’ve just spent the evening managing bath, book and bedtime?
Romantic relationships take a serious beating after having a child. Ask any parent and they’ll agree. Even Michelle Obama recently dished that she “couldn’t stand” her husband for 10 years after having kids. Ten years!
With this in mind, we reached out to Matthew Bartolo – a counsellor specialising in sex and relationships. We asked him all the questions we could think of that people might be too embarrassed to ask (or simply don’t have the time to ask) about sex after kids.
Let’s dive in:
Is it ok to do it with a baby in the room?
No, it is not okay to have sex in the presence of a baby or a child. This can be harmful and potentially traumatizing to the child, and is illegal in many places.
It is important to prioritize the safety and well-being of children and ensure they are not exposed to any inappropriate or harmful situations. This might pose a problem to parents who do not have the luxury of childminding arrangements.
What some parents do is to use baby monitors to be able to supervise their baby whilst they can have some intimate time together.
Why do I have zero libido, and how do I fix that?
There can be many reasons for a decreased or absent libido (sex drive), especially after having a baby. Some common causes include:
- Physical health issues (e.g. hormonal imbalances, chronic pain, certain medications) caused by the pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding.
- Mental health conditions (e.g. depression, anxiety, stress). Did you suffer from mental health issues before? Did pregnancy, or birth trigger any mental health concerns?
- Relationship problems. Some might have been present before birth, some triggered by the overwhelming feelings that being responsible of a newborn might bring with it. Are you investing in your relationship? The less time you have for the relationship, the more you need to connect and be there for each other.
- Substance abuse.
- Lack of sleep or physical exhaustion, which is pretty normal for new parents. Can you get help so you sleep? Can you take it in shifts to stay with the baby while the other parent catches up on sleep?
To address the issue, it’s important to first identify and address any underlying physical or mental health conditions, as well as any lifestyle factors (e.g. sleep patterns, stress management). You may also consider counseling or therapy, especially if relationship problems or emotional issues are contributing to the low libido.
It’s important to talk to a healthcare provider if you have concerns about your libido, as they can help determine the cause and suggest appropriate treatment options.
This article was written in collaboration Matthew Bartolo, lead clinician at sex clinic Malta. If you have any other questions like this one you can find answers on https://sexclinicmalta.com/